


Fake It if You Have To

by hellareyna



Category: SKAM Austin
Genre: Catholic Guilt, Character Study, Gen, Internalized Lesbophobia, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-09 21:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18925438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellareyna/pseuds/hellareyna
Summary: Shay one week after Megan tried to kiss her AKA Good Friday





	Fake It if You Have To

**Author's Note:**

> Title from A Better Son/Daughter - Rilo Kiley  
> This was originally canon compliant but then it took over a month to write and I didn't have enough energy to completely change the plot. This is supposed to take place the day after the clip with Daniel and the glass bottle. A lot of this is my view of how Shay is feeling with my own projecting mixed in. Obviously, unlike all the other remakes nothing has been implied about Shay's home life but I like to imagine this might be how it plays out. This is also kind of a sequel to We Have Each Other but only in that it is my view of the Skam Austin Universe. Hope you enjoy!!!!

It had been a week since Megan had tried to kiss her. Six days since Nic broke up with her. Four days since Tyler had finally gotten her to smile again. And three days since Megan didn’t apologize. Today she had been left with all those thoughts. One extra day without distractions.

Shay just laid in bed and stared up at the ceiling. There were a bunch of stickers up there that she had put up with Tyler when they were younger. It was a game they had played. They jumped on her bed and tried to get as many stickers onto the ceiling as they could. There was never a winner but it was still always fun. That was back before every day felt like adding another pound to the crushing weight surrounding her whole being.

Shay missed that. She missed having it be easy with Tyler. Everything used to be so much easier. Back when nobody cared that she didn't like to talk about boys. Her mom used to be glad she never brought home any boy besides Tyler. Then when Marlon joined them she had gotten worried. Her mom seemed to think Shay wasn’t being her perfect Catholic girl anymore, just because she only hung out with guys.  
  


* * *

 

One day in particular stuck out to Shay. It had been after studying in the library -contrary to popular belief Shay did actually try in school- they all went over to Shay’s. She had told them about a new beat she couldn’t get out of her head but pencils and a desk weren’t doing it justice. The three of them had raced in the house noisily with their usual teenage shenanigans, but then Marlon suddenly became quiet when he saw Shay’s mom.

She was at the dining room table with a rosary in her hand and her eyes closed, mumbling to herself. It was a familiar scene to Tyler, but Shay had forgotten for a blissful moment that Marlon hadn’t gotten used to her mother’s brand of crazy yet. 

Tyler had grown up with Shay. He knew her mom when she was happier, not so paranoid all the time. Back when she didn’t think her fifth Hail Mary of the night was what was singlehandedly preventing the apocalypse. Tyler had gotten just as accustomed to the madness as Shay like two frogs in boiling water. Marlon had only recently joined their group and so he felt the strangeness of seeing a grown woman, speaking to herself, still in her pajamas, at 5:30 on a Tuesday.

Shay had wanted them to just move on and ignore her mom and go listen to her play on the drums, but Marlon, who had created the silence, decided to also be the first one to break it, “Nice to see you, Mrs. Dixon. Sorry, we were so noisy. We are just super excited about this World History paper.” He had said so innocently like he didn’t even think his simple words could mean a twenty-minute conversation about Jesus. 

Shay’s mother finally looked up and smiled at Marlon, slightly glared and Tyler, and made a neutral expression at her daughter. Shay rolled her eyes, motherly love was bullshit.

“Lovely to see you too Marcus.”

“It’s Marlon.”

“Ah yes, I’m sorry. I’m always so forgetful with names. I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it soon. Will you all continue to study?”

Tyler glanced over at Shay as if to say, so we’re going to lie, right? Shay nodded. Marlon didn’t get the message.

“No, actually Shay was going to show us a sick song she’s working out on the drums. Our band is gonna be hit and it’s all because of her.” He looked so fucking proud of himself.

Fuck, Shay knew what was coming, “A band? What band? Shay, you didn’t tell me about this.”

Marlon looked over at Shay with raised eyebrows that were meant to be apologizing probably. Shay was still pissed. He should have known not to tell her. Her mom thought Taylor Swift was raunchy for fuck’s sake. This meant serious recovery work on Shay’s part. She would have to remember to punch Mar for this later.

“I definitely told you, mom. You  _ just _ said you always forget things. Don’t worry it’s no big deal. It’s not going to distract me from school.”

Her mom thought for a moment, “Well if it’s just for fun then that’s all right I guess.”

Marlon looked like he was about to protest so Shay grabbed his arm and pulled him to her room with Tyler. She wasn’t going to let his pipe dreams convince her mom that she was on the wrong path. 

As soon as Shay slammed her door behind her she exhaled, “Fuck, Marlon why can’t you ever shut up?”

“I was just trying to be polite!” He tried to defend himself.

“Jesus you are so dumb. There are some things my mom does not need to know about me. One of those is that I’m in this band. It’s not like we’re being serious here.”

“Yeah, we are. I want us to be legit.” Marlon was so pissed.

The rest of the afternoon had an underlying tension between the three of them. Tyler’s usual jokes weren’t making Shay feel any less annoyed with Marlon. He didn’t have to say all that. Her mom was always so intrusive and this was one more thing for her to bug Shay about needlessly.

It got worse when the boys got picked up by Marlon’s mom. Her mom had asked Shay to come to talk with her and Shay was scared she would make her stop being in the band. It wasn’t anything serious but it was a nice distraction from school shit. If she stopped doing that it would all feel like too much again. 

“Shay I don’t know why you only ever hang out with those boys. People are going to start assuming things.”

“Well, you know what happens when you assume.” Shay avoided her mother’s eyes.

“I’m serious Shay. You haven’t come to mass with me in months and now you’re in a band with boys. I feel like I don’t know you anymore. Why don’t you hang out with Megan anymore?”

It hurt Shay to see her mother so upset but she couldn’t just abandon her friends if it made her happy, “Mom, Tyler, and Marlon are my friends. I left the door open. We weren’t doing anything bad. Besides, there were three of us. Do really think I would have an orgy with you in the next room over?”

“Shay Dixon! Watch your mouth,” Shay rolled her eyes again, “That’s not what I meant and I think you know that. I just want you to be safe.”

Shay nodded. She didn’t tell her that Tyler was the only person she felt understood her. She didn’t tell her that Megan didn’t come over anymore because it hurt too much to spend so much time with her. She didn’t tell her the truth.

“I understand mom. I’m sorry that wasn’t appropriate. I’ll go help start dinner.” That’s what she told her.

* * *

 

Shay was pretty sure she knew what her mom had meant. In the months since that conversation her freshman year she had thought over those words a million times. She cared about her mom and wanted her to think better of her so she did try to bring over girl friends with not much success. Megan even came over a few times when she was still dating Mar. It had almost been like when they were in middle school, but that didn’t last. Clearly.

Her mom was still just as insane. Perhaps she had even become more insane. She had liked Nic the few times he had come over. He hadn’t freaked out at the few hundred crosses around the living room. 

He had been nice, but Nic was gone now. He had been a nice safety net to have while she figured things out. It was fun to have someone to hang out with who wasn’t Tyler or Mar. Especially now that Marlon had another new girlfriend and Tyler was trying to hook up with a different guy every weekend. It wasn’t like she hated Nic either. They had a lot of fun together, but still, she could never like him the way he liked her. 

Shay was pretty sure she wasn’t a lesbian. She didn’t want to burn a bra or get a dozen piercings just because she thought a girl was hot every once in a while. Nic just liked her a lot more than she liked her. That was why it felt so weird. It was just because he was more invested in their relationship.

Their relationship that was all over because Megan fucking Flores not knowing how to control her mouth. Shay wanted to scream whenever she thought about it. She needed to drive so far away that nobody was around for miles and just scream.

Megan stole everything from her at that moment, when she decided she was just drunk enough to break Shay’s heart another time. She stole her relationship. She stole the safety net that Shay had created for herself. She stole her first kiss, Her first kiss to count. To matter.

But nothing really mattered now. Not if Megan and Grace were going to go around and tell everyone how she was a predatory creep who was dumb enough to believe girls would like her back. Not if Megan didn’t understand why Shay’s heart had broken into a billion more pieces on Tuesday because she had been dumb enough to believe someone would apologize. 

It did not matter to Megan that after that kiss Nic didn’t talk to Shay again until he texted her the next day. Until they met up at the park, the same park he had first kissed her. When they met up he told her he couldn’t be with someone who didn’t understand themselves. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? They were in high school. Nobody understands who they are in high school. He had heard Megan say that Shay was in love with her.

It didn’t matter to Megan that Shay’s first boyfriend left her crying on a swing set alone. All Megan cared about was whether Marlon had a new girlfriend. Shay had been there for Megan when Marlon was treating her like shit. She had cried on her shoulder and had held her hand. 

But now, after it had seemed like they both had finally moved on, she was crawling back to Marlon. It hurt Shay to see Megan like that, so desperate for a boy. It hurt more that she still cared now, even after what Megan had put her through. The kiss was embarrassing but the comments in the locker room had become a regular occurrence. 

A few weeks ago they finally found out that Shay could actually hear her when they said those things. Just seconds of eye contact had felt like knives. The first week of school had been the worst. When Grace and Megan had seen her in the locker room for the first time Megan’s face confirmed Shay’s fear that she had almost forgotten about. Tyler had said that if Megan had seen the text as they had feared, it would have been a rumor that got spread and died before school started. 

Instead, nothing happened. Shay spent the entire summer paranoid. When would her life shatter she wondered? That first week she knew that Megan and Grace knew, but they wouldn’t tell anyone. It had felt like a bomb that was one second away from blowing up forever.

They didn’t tell anyone but the anxiety of it slipping out had made Shay sick. She stayed home from school after she first saw Megan cover herself quickly upon seeing Shay. That had been the first time Shay didn’t change in the bathroom stall, having been too terrified her eyes would stay too long on the wrong girl for the first few months of school. 

Now she just tried to avoid Megan and Grace with little luck. That Kelsey girl was friends with them, but she wasn’t like them, Megan must not have told her. She treated her like a normal person. Kelsey had even asked Shay to help her adjust a twisted bra strap. That had scared Shay a bit. Maybe it was a test and they would treat her like a joke. But it wasn’t. Kelsey wasn’t an asshole. That had surprised her.

Shay just didn’t want to be treated as a joke anymore. Her mom was disappointed in her constantly. At this exact moment, she was laying in her bed trying to be as silent as possible so her mom wouldn’t know she was home. She could just sneak out but she didn’t know where she could go. 

Days with no school meant she didn’t really see Tyler because he was spending all his free time with a mystery older guy. Marlon was too much for her to handle recently. She was still kind of annoyed at him for how he treated Megan. Being around her mom meant putting on an act and that exhausted her. She wished she could just be herself with no questions from her friends or people at school. Or her mom, especially her.

This week her mom had already attended church four times. Tonight she would inevitably argue with Shay. Church was where the act was the hardest. Every little thing had to perfect. She had to be silent and sitting just right. Last night after her mom’s fourth mass of the week she had reminded her daughter that it was the holiest week of the year. Shay had wished she was Jesus and could just avoid her mom for three days by dying. 

Sure, now she was also alone with her thoughts. But it was easier if she was just in her bedroom, somehow the thoughts were worse when she was at church. To avoid boredom during mass, her thoughts raced and she worried about how her mom was judging her. She must hate Shay for never going to church and how when she did she never wore a pretty dress as she wanted. The other women there weren’t shy about their view on her outfits.

So many people wanted so many things of Shay that she couldn’t be all at once. Her mother wanted the perfect Catholic daughter who was in the youth group, that was just an excuse to get drunk on a Thursday night, and attended church every Sunday in a perfect dress with perfect, straight hair. Shay couldn’t be that. She was herself. Not whatever her mom wanted to mold her into. That perfect daughter couldn’t exist if that same daughter was laughed at in the locker rooms and broken up over a kiss she didn’t even want. The weight of it crushed her but giving in could hurt more she realized. 

So, for now, she would just avoid her mom and not go to church tonight. Tonight she would go somewhere she might be able to feel like herself. A Friday night all alone was a terribly depressing cliche. She had no friends who were there for her. They all saw her as a joke or not interesting enough to occupy their precious weekend. 

Shay grabbed her converse and a hoodie. As silently as possible she opened her window and shimmied out bracing herself for the few feet between the first floor and the dying grass. Where she was going didn’t matter. She walked into the cool spring night with no purpose other than getting away from something she couldn’t explain. It could not be explained but she knew that this wasn’t the escape that she needed. The night would be her refuge but in the morning the weight would still exist and it would still be crushing her.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Megan Flores isn't valid because she was mean to Shay :/


End file.
